Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
