The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
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