If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Randomize
