How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
