I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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