I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
