how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
