I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
