She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
