he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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