I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
