even my farts smell like vagina
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
