Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
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