I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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