And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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