I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
