I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
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