Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
