I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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