Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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