"it" just moved
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Randomize
