Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Did you just see the Batmobile???
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
