Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
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He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
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I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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