so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
