Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
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How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
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We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".