Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
