What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.