I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
