I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I checked into jail on foursquare
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
