i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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