I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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