The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
