Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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