I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
