There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
