his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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