Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
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I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
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I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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