remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
