my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Randomize
