For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I stole a fireplace last night.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
