He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
