That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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