I must be too annoying 4 u.
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
