First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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