hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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