If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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