I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
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after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
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I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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