Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Randomize
