You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
You left your underwear on the fireplace
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
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