True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
