i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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