No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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