I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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