Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
