on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
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