Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Randomize
