I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.