you lied. pity sex is amazing.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Randomize
