This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
