woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
