I think I won the penis lottery.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
